FUCKING ALL THE WAY...

Thanks to Focko, the Bavarian nobleman, there exists a small village called Fucking in upper Austria. It has a special meaning for the inhabitants of this hamlet, who are “Focko’s people”; but the tourists take it otherwise jumping to their own vulgar conclusions while clicking photos in front of the “Fucking” road signs. The only crime reported here is the theft of these road signs (mostly by tourists) who keep them as souvenirs. It’s sad, but true, that the best thing about this celestial and picturesque village is, not the lakes, forests and the mountains but, only its name “Fucking”.

One evening, the whole village gathered together to discuss this serious issue. Jokkum, a 10 year old boy with chubby cheeks and curly brown hair put forward his view: which was to simply change the name. Silence fell like a blanket over the village folk. All of a sudden, the head of this little hamlet, Tomas Sorensen, barked ferociously, “Fucking has existed for 800 years now! Everyone here knows what it means in English, but for us Fucking is Fucking — and it’s going to stay Fucking!”

When the local news channel interviewed Aleksander Negaard, the local police chief, about the foreign nationals causing disorder in Fucking, he went berserk proclaiming “ We will not stand for the Fucking signs to be removed. It may be very amusing for you, but Fucking is simply Fucking to us. What is this big Fucking joke!?!”

A wise man used Fucking’s name to his advantage. He opened up a small boutique selling t-shirts with the catchword “I like Fucking in Austria” printed on them. This business venture turned out to be quite profitable for him. Unfortunately it had to be shut down when he started receiving death threats from his own people. The Fucking citizens are very patriotic!!

Few years back Fucking hosted the “Festival of the Fuck Bands”. Forget about U2, Backstreet Boys, Bon Jovi and Greenday. The four bands who performed live were Fucked Up, Holy Fuck, Fuck and Fuck Buttons. What a Fucking way to introduce Fucking to the entire world!!

We’ll I’ve made a little effort and joined fucking hands with the Fucking people to promote Fucking to a certain degree. So next time when your friends or enemies throw profanities at you like “where the fuck are you?”, “what the fuck”, “don’t fuck around with me”, “get the fuck out of here”; you don’t have to take out your gun and shoot them. Instead, just take them on a Fucking trip!!  

MY TEN BEST WAYS TO SAVE ENERGY...!!!

• I love mangoes. So I want to plant a mango tree in my garden. I get two   benefits. Firstly, I can eat mangoes free of cost or even sell it for survival. Secondly, in future, when I’m kicked out of the house, the tree house is going to come to my rescue.

• I’ll convince my dad to buy me a bicycle instead of a car, to ride to college. The rich handsome lads will be miles ahead of me, when it comes to impressing the cute girls, with their shiny and fancy cars. I don’t care as long as Planet Earth is impressed by me. (My dad is not going to buy me a car anyway).

• I will not touch my geyser at all. I’ll rather have a shower with cold water instead. If I catch a cold, which I do pretty often, I’m sure mom’s going to freak out; especially when she sees my medicine bills. Just like a soldier sacrifices his life for his country I will sacrifice my health for my sweet Planet Earth!

• I will never watch movies in my life again. I will start reading anything. Journals, magazines, comics, novels… anything that comes my way. Even Penthouse. When it comes to books, my Dad has always showered his money upon me like blessings. Being a hardcore Harry Potter fan I was eagerly waiting the final part: ‘Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows’ to release in the theaters. I guess I need to read the final novel now.

• I’m gonna take my girlfriend, Clara, out for candlelight dinners; ONLY for candlelight dinners. I’ve never had a candlelight dinner with her. She’s gonna find it very romantic. But after a few dates she might be quite puzzled- why is it only candlelight!?! I hope she doesn’t break up with me when she hears the truth.

• I’ll quit all my email and social networking accounts. I’ll start writing letters to my friends from tomorrow. Maybe not to all of them because I’ve got over 2000 online friends. It’s old fashioned I understand but people still listen to the ‘Beatles’ and ‘Elvis Presley’, don’t they???

• When I’m planning a vacation, I will always book an e-ticket because it is ten times more eco-friendly than a normal ticket. Anyway, I have always been travelling on an e-ticket because I’m too lazy to go to the reservation office. I also pay my bills online, to save my trees, NOT because I’m lazy okay!!

• Two years back I was caught smoking by my dad. He pounced on me like a ferocious beast. For a second I think he forgot that I was his only son. If he would’ve scolded me or made me understand how dangerous smoking is, I would’ve listened to him…maybe. But he thought actions spoke louder than words. Instead I smoke double now. But since I need to think about my planet Earth I’m going to throw away my fancy lighter and use matchsticks.

• Next time when I’m out with my friends to KFC or McDonalds I won’t use any napkins at all. I’d rather use my handkerchief or rub my dirty hands on my friend’s tee, slyly, when they’re not paying any attention to me. Just imagine how many pounds of napkins can be saved from landfills if we use one less. I might be mischievous sometimes but it’s all for a noble cause.

• Since my parents have grown old I don’t see the romantic spark between them any longer. I’m going to give them an idea to ignite their sex life. I’ll tell them to have a shower together. Not only will I be helping my environment but they’ll get their own benefits as well. Since I’m the only son, I never know, by next year, I might have a baby sister!!

P.S: There’s another small point I need to make. I never tell lies. I know that has nothing to do with the environment, but still… So all you readers follow me down the “path of righteousness”.